What if you're happy and you DON'T know it?

Everyone knows about the If You're Happy And You Know It song. Everyone over the age of 5 anyway. Everyone under the age of 5 should have parents who watch them rather than tuning them into a myspace for a babysitter. For the 5 and under crowd, I know you're out there. I've seen your myspaces. You dress like street walkers and put your age as 99, because you don't want the pedafiles to know you are under 18. Guess what? They don't care. Myspace is a dangerous babysitter, kids. A dangerous babysitter. I feel sorry for the 5 year olds of today, you know? Why are they surfing the computer at their age, anyway? Why can't their parents just plop them in front of the wholesome, child-friendly television, like our parents did? Nothing can go wrong there.

Where was I? Oh, ok. So like I was saying, for the kindergaten and over crowd, you guys know the song to turn to when you're happy and you know it. Sometimes you are instructed to clap your hands; sometimes to stomp your feet, or shout, "Hurray!" On occassion, the really happy people are instructed to do all three. Those stomping, clapping, shouting people are truely grounded, and need no assistance from me. Bravo for being secure enough with yourselves for being able to look like that in public.

Those of you who fit into that category, maybe you can help me with those poor unfortunate few who are not so blessed. I am, of course, reffering to the people who are happy, but don't know it.
How could we have been so callous as to go all these years and not have addressed their sorry situation? According to the insanely accurate research website, wikipedia, the hauntingly beautiful lyrics of If You're Happy and You Know It are presumed to have been written by Alfred B. Smith, born 1916, died 2001. Somewhere in that time frame, my guess would be around the middle, those who are aware of their happiness rejoiced in song, while the rest of the people (or "la gente," as they say in Spanish) were left by the wayside. Tragically. Like a perfectly good quarter pounder with only one bite taken out of it, sitting in the gutter. Maybe it's sitting on a piece of foil or something, but still... it's in the gutter. Best leave that quarter pounder for the wandering hobo.

How are we going to help these poor lost souls, you may ask? Maybe you're saying to yourself this very moment, "Audrey, I am outraged that it has taken so long for this problem to surface. What can we do to make it right for those who are happy, but don't know it? Volunteer somewhere? Start a college fund? Maybe write them a song?" Those are all good ideas, but also stupid. Actually, more stupid than good, but I'm glad you are participating.

Where are you going to volunteer? Where do people who are happy and don't know it hang out? If we knew that, we'd be ahead of the game. We don't know it. You might think the mall, but you'd be wrong again. Trust me, I worked at the mall, you are either happy or sad at the mall, and you definately know it. Know how you know it? Whether or not you are employed there. I don't care how much a mall employee smiles at you, they are doing it because they have to. They will be happier when you leave and they can go back to slacking off. Again, trust me, I know from experience.

A college fund and a new song are a waste of time, because those things already exist. If these people need money to go to college, tell them to get a job. I hear the mall is hiring. I don't know about you, but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness just to show somebody theirs.

That is what we need to do you guys, SHOW those people who are happy and don't know it... that they are, in fact, happy. Make them know it! Insist that they be aware of their happiness!

Hold them down with joy if you have to. Joy and force.

They may say to you, "Please stop! I'm happy already, I'm happy!"

Make sure you test them, though. Make them do the song. It may seem a little extreem, but you don't want to have wasted your time and energy on someone who pretended to know that they were happy just so that they could be left alone. This is no time for hiding, you guys. These are bold times for bold people, and if you are not a bold person, you'd better man up or you might find yourself on the business end of a happiness check.

Who I am, and why I like cake.

Ladies and gentlemen of myspace, I would like to extend to all of you a deep and heartfelt, "Sup." No, really, I mean that.

I'm trying to be more down with you guys today. Trying to be more chillaaaxed. Could it be because I want you to feel safe around me? Because I want to reel you in right in time for the gift giving season? Because I want you to realize that somewhere within this blog is a subtle plug thet my birthday is a week and a half away (November 7th, since you asked) and then talk about the celebration in detail? It's entirely possible, because I accept gifts that are both from the heart and cheap and last minute. Makes no difference to me, and the shinier the better.

All I'm saying is, late September/early October, all of the stores start breaking out the Christmas stuff. Hello, retail stores! You're gonna bury summer so quickly??? It's still warm! At least give us a chance to mourn it's passing...

Anyway, they completely forego Halloween, Thanksgiving, and in between and most importantly, my birthday. It's just not right, you know? It is a time for the anticipation of people giving stuff to me, and I have to be reminded to give to others??

I may be coming off a little selfish right now, allow me to start over.

Sup, myspacers.

I've just been thinking about things. Birthday related things. I know I'm a busy person, and I have a lot of friends in different groups who don't actually even know wach other. The simple fact of the matter is, if I ever need to get away from you, I know people you don't know that I know. I'm just saying.

So I've decided to throw a surprise birthday for myself. That way, you don't have to. Isn't that nice? Think about it. I know all of my contacts, they're MY contacts! How can the Sears people be expected to get ahold of the highschool friends? Or the relatives get ahold of the church friends? Or the LTD friends, or the UC friends, for that matter? I don't want ANY of these people left out of the celebration of my 24th year, it's a pretty big deal, after all. A mile marker.

Not for anything in particular, but you only turn 24 once you know! It's not like turning 29.
Anyway, you're ALL INVITED!!! It's gonna be the biggest bash, it's gonna be SO awesome.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking. "Ya, Audrey, I completely agree that this is the most brilliant idea since the invention of the lightbulb, but... how is it going to be a surprise if you're the one throwing the party?"

Well this is gonna be stunning to you, watch this- are you watching? Watch. Watch this-look! check it out...

So ya, I don't know WHERE we're gonna meet. It's an undisclosed location, mmkay? Don't know when either. Could be on my bday, could be this weekend. Could be in 5 minutes, I don't know.

I'm gonna be totally surprised, and I'm not even gonna see it coming. It's gonna be awesome.

You know what? My birthday could come and go, and I'll be all like, "Oh man, guess no party this year." And then two weeks later my surprise party happens and I'll be like "Whoa! I'm totally surprised right now!" That's called the fake-out.

Everybody is bringing food for everybody, and nobody's allowed to tell anybody else what they're bringing. You can't even ask what type of food- appetizer, entree or dessert. Even you guys are gonna be surprised. Some people will be required to bring nothing. Surprise! No food! This is a surprise themed surprise party.

In fact, you will be required to wear casual clothes, costumes, evening wear, and/or pajamas. Or a toga. Just follow your gut instinct on this one. The only guide you must go by is that you must wear SOME form of clothing, no nudity. Unless your name is David Beckham. No, just kidding. I don't want anyone at my party focusing on anyone but me and how surprised I am. Good surprised, not appauled-surprised.

Now, I can't tell you for sure what sort of activities are going to be at the party, because you have been reading this blog long enough to know that I'm too into being surprised to want to know what's going on. That would ruin it. However, you are NOT going to want to miss it. I've got three words to toss your way: ummm... actually, I forgot them. I'll get back to you on those three words. But seriously, you're not gonna want to miss this. OH, Wait! "Party of the... century"? That's 4 words. Well, I gave you an extra for your wait. But as far as entertainment goes, I'm thinking karaoke, flame jugglers, worlds most giant game of twister, pony rides, OH! Maybe we'll let people be shot out of a cannon. I think that'd be cool, because I haven't done that yet. What's better than virtual reality? ACTUAL reality. Hop on in there and get shot out of that cannon, just to say you did it. There may or may not be live performances/appearances by Madonna, Green Day, Celine Dion, Sting, and that kid who plays Harry Potter. He's a whiz at the clarinet, not a lot of people know that. Also maybe the B-52's, I don't know. I don't know any of these people personally, I'm just hoping they'll hear the buzz through the grapevine.

Several of you will be tasked with choosing the cake. I don't know who. You see, if I know who is in charge of the cake, I'll pretty much figure out what type of cake will be at the party, and that information is not far from knowing when the actual party is, then I'll discover the REAL guest list and activities and then nothing will be a surprise anymore NOTHING! So if you are supposed to bring a cake, you know who you are. If you're not sure whether or not you are a chosen cake bringer, you are one. Chose any sort of cake, but know this: I do not prefer chocolate cake. Neither does Leah, we are bonded in that way. Brownies are acceptable, but not as cake. If you bring Brownies, you'd better bring a cake too. Ice cream cake is always welcome, as are cheese and carrot.

If you mess up and bring a chocolate one, I'll probably take a bite of that too, just to make you feel good. After all, I don't want you to feel sad or akward at my surprise party because you forgot the one rule that I set. Know this, though, I will be glaring at you all night, and I will probably have David Beckham give you a wedgie when you least expect it. How will you get him back? It will be quite impossible.

Anyway, I am so excited! This is literally guarenteed to be the best party of my life. It seems a shame to get it done so early in my life, though... Guess I'll just have to raise the bar.

See you there!!!!!!!!!

The Most Important Issue In the Country

There is no time for small talk, and I'm not here to make anyone feel good. This is a call to arms, people! Well... to wings. Allow me to explain.

It is your right; nay, your duty; nay, your CALLING as an American to vote this November 4th at a poll near you.

Everyone is aware of the presidential candidates, the black guy running with that weird dude and the chick vp-ing for that old guy. Some people even know what they stand for. Some people even plan to vote on them according to what they stand for.

But do you know the issues? Because let me tell you, when you saddle up to that paper with your bic pen or whatever cheap writing utensil the old person behind table gives you, you're gonna be asked.

There's a lot of blah-di-blah ing about the casino dealy with the loophole about not having to pay taxes, there have been some murmers on a "clean ohio fund," stuff like that. I'm not here to be your source, to everything, America, we'll be here all day.

What I am here to talk about is an issue that has torn our country apart for a short number of years. If we don't do something about it now, things have nowhere to go but down. I am talking, OF COURSE, about issue 432. Bringing back the spork to KFC.

KFC, formerly Kentucy Fried Chicken, now trying to operate under the alias of Kountry Fried Chicken (who spells Country with a K? Exactly, the nazis.), mysteriously removed the spork from their restauraunts. For those of you unaware of the appropriate terms here, the spork is that magical bit of plasticware that incorporates the sleek, cupping prowess of the spoon, and the swift, grabbing prongs of the fork. It is quite factually the only way to eat KFC cole slaw, all other forms of plasticware fall short of the glorious magesty that is the spork.

I'm boycotting Colonel Saunders and his croonies until this situation is resloved, and I believe you should do the same. The spork must be reinstated to it's rightful place at the fast food table! It's a real problem in this country, America, a REAL problem. You want to know what a real honest to goodness problem looks like? Walk into any KFC, and try to eat a meal without the use of the spork. Wait, no. Don't literally, because we're boycotting. But figuratively, get your chicken, extra crispy or original, however you like it. Choose your sides of mashed potatoes, cole slaw, a biscut, or whatever "healthy choices" they have added to the menu of this infamous fried chicken establishment. Now try to eat it all with one utensil. Can't do it, can you? Of course you can't. Not without the spork. What are you gonna do? Use your hands? Hethens.

I appologize, America, I didn't mean to call you hethens.

I just want you to understand the gravity of the situation. Understand what is at stake here. Do you see that this spork issue could turn everything around? Do you realize that bringing back the spork will make the economy better overnight? That it will bring gas prices down to approximately 32 cents per gallon? That it will evaporate hurricanes and make all men and women who use it incredibly wise and attractive? That when dogs bark it will no longer be a sound that makes you think dangerous thoughts about whatever the stupid owner was thinking leaving their dog outside at 3am, but it will suddenly sound like a sweet, sweet lullaby? There are no down sides to this.

So I am calling you out, America. Consider yourself called out. Vote yes on issue 432 to bring back the KFC spork. It is time to stand for those who cannot... namely the delicious chickens on the KFC menu. If not for me, do it for yourselves. And if not for yourselves, think of the chickens. They've seen the devistation since the loss of this magical plasticware, and they'd vote for it if they were alive. Also if they could read and see where to mark, and could hold a pen. Also if they had voting rights.

Some polls may or may not have issue 432 on their registers. This does not mean that the KFC issue is not "real" or "true." It very simply means that an elaborate mafia led by Al Gore is trying to keep the spork out of production. I'm not allowed to say any more about that, I may have already said to much. If this is the case at your local polling station (also known as the "freedom choosing booth"), you must take the innitiative to write it in. Don't worry, there will be room somewhere on there. How much longer must we endure the madness?

Alert all of your contacts, and do it quickly, because it all goes down on Tuesday, November 4th. It's time to fight the good fight!