The Most Important Issue In the Country

There is no time for small talk, and I'm not here to make anyone feel good. This is a call to arms, people! Well... to wings. Allow me to explain.

It is your right; nay, your duty; nay, your CALLING as an American to vote this November 4th at a poll near you.

Everyone is aware of the presidential candidates, the black guy running with that weird dude and the chick vp-ing for that old guy. Some people even know what they stand for. Some people even plan to vote on them according to what they stand for.

But do you know the issues? Because let me tell you, when you saddle up to that paper with your bic pen or whatever cheap writing utensil the old person behind table gives you, you're gonna be asked.

There's a lot of blah-di-blah ing about the casino dealy with the loophole about not having to pay taxes, there have been some murmers on a "clean ohio fund," stuff like that. I'm not here to be your source, to everything, America, we'll be here all day.

What I am here to talk about is an issue that has torn our country apart for a short number of years. If we don't do something about it now, things have nowhere to go but down. I am talking, OF COURSE, about issue 432. Bringing back the spork to KFC.

KFC, formerly Kentucy Fried Chicken, now trying to operate under the alias of Kountry Fried Chicken (who spells Country with a K? Exactly, the nazis.), mysteriously removed the spork from their restauraunts. For those of you unaware of the appropriate terms here, the spork is that magical bit of plasticware that incorporates the sleek, cupping prowess of the spoon, and the swift, grabbing prongs of the fork. It is quite factually the only way to eat KFC cole slaw, all other forms of plasticware fall short of the glorious magesty that is the spork.

I'm boycotting Colonel Saunders and his croonies until this situation is resloved, and I believe you should do the same. The spork must be reinstated to it's rightful place at the fast food table! It's a real problem in this country, America, a REAL problem. You want to know what a real honest to goodness problem looks like? Walk into any KFC, and try to eat a meal without the use of the spork. Wait, no. Don't literally, because we're boycotting. But figuratively, get your chicken, extra crispy or original, however you like it. Choose your sides of mashed potatoes, cole slaw, a biscut, or whatever "healthy choices" they have added to the menu of this infamous fried chicken establishment. Now try to eat it all with one utensil. Can't do it, can you? Of course you can't. Not without the spork. What are you gonna do? Use your hands? Hethens.

I appologize, America, I didn't mean to call you hethens.

I just want you to understand the gravity of the situation. Understand what is at stake here. Do you see that this spork issue could turn everything around? Do you realize that bringing back the spork will make the economy better overnight? That it will bring gas prices down to approximately 32 cents per gallon? That it will evaporate hurricanes and make all men and women who use it incredibly wise and attractive? That when dogs bark it will no longer be a sound that makes you think dangerous thoughts about whatever the stupid owner was thinking leaving their dog outside at 3am, but it will suddenly sound like a sweet, sweet lullaby? There are no down sides to this.

So I am calling you out, America. Consider yourself called out. Vote yes on issue 432 to bring back the KFC spork. It is time to stand for those who cannot... namely the delicious chickens on the KFC menu. If not for me, do it for yourselves. And if not for yourselves, think of the chickens. They've seen the devistation since the loss of this magical plasticware, and they'd vote for it if they were alive. Also if they could read and see where to mark, and could hold a pen. Also if they had voting rights.

Some polls may or may not have issue 432 on their registers. This does not mean that the KFC issue is not "real" or "true." It very simply means that an elaborate mafia led by Al Gore is trying to keep the spork out of production. I'm not allowed to say any more about that, I may have already said to much. If this is the case at your local polling station (also known as the "freedom choosing booth"), you must take the innitiative to write it in. Don't worry, there will be room somewhere on there. How much longer must we endure the madness?

Alert all of your contacts, and do it quickly, because it all goes down on Tuesday, November 4th. It's time to fight the good fight!