What if you're happy and you DON'T know it?

Everyone knows about the If You're Happy And You Know It song. Everyone over the age of 5 anyway. Everyone under the age of 5 should have parents who watch them rather than tuning them into a myspace for a babysitter. For the 5 and under crowd, I know you're out there. I've seen your myspaces. You dress like street walkers and put your age as 99, because you don't want the pedafiles to know you are under 18. Guess what? They don't care. Myspace is a dangerous babysitter, kids. A dangerous babysitter. I feel sorry for the 5 year olds of today, you know? Why are they surfing the computer at their age, anyway? Why can't their parents just plop them in front of the wholesome, child-friendly television, like our parents did? Nothing can go wrong there.

Where was I? Oh, ok. So like I was saying, for the kindergaten and over crowd, you guys know the song to turn to when you're happy and you know it. Sometimes you are instructed to clap your hands; sometimes to stomp your feet, or shout, "Hurray!" On occassion, the really happy people are instructed to do all three. Those stomping, clapping, shouting people are truely grounded, and need no assistance from me. Bravo for being secure enough with yourselves for being able to look like that in public.

Those of you who fit into that category, maybe you can help me with those poor unfortunate few who are not so blessed. I am, of course, reffering to the people who are happy, but don't know it.
How could we have been so callous as to go all these years and not have addressed their sorry situation? According to the insanely accurate research website, wikipedia, the hauntingly beautiful lyrics of If You're Happy and You Know It are presumed to have been written by Alfred B. Smith, born 1916, died 2001. Somewhere in that time frame, my guess would be around the middle, those who are aware of their happiness rejoiced in song, while the rest of the people (or "la gente," as they say in Spanish) were left by the wayside. Tragically. Like a perfectly good quarter pounder with only one bite taken out of it, sitting in the gutter. Maybe it's sitting on a piece of foil or something, but still... it's in the gutter. Best leave that quarter pounder for the wandering hobo.

How are we going to help these poor lost souls, you may ask? Maybe you're saying to yourself this very moment, "Audrey, I am outraged that it has taken so long for this problem to surface. What can we do to make it right for those who are happy, but don't know it? Volunteer somewhere? Start a college fund? Maybe write them a song?" Those are all good ideas, but also stupid. Actually, more stupid than good, but I'm glad you are participating.

Where are you going to volunteer? Where do people who are happy and don't know it hang out? If we knew that, we'd be ahead of the game. We don't know it. You might think the mall, but you'd be wrong again. Trust me, I worked at the mall, you are either happy or sad at the mall, and you definately know it. Know how you know it? Whether or not you are employed there. I don't care how much a mall employee smiles at you, they are doing it because they have to. They will be happier when you leave and they can go back to slacking off. Again, trust me, I know from experience.

A college fund and a new song are a waste of time, because those things already exist. If these people need money to go to college, tell them to get a job. I hear the mall is hiring. I don't know about you, but I don't want to sacrifice my happiness just to show somebody theirs.

That is what we need to do you guys, SHOW those people who are happy and don't know it... that they are, in fact, happy. Make them know it! Insist that they be aware of their happiness!

Hold them down with joy if you have to. Joy and force.

They may say to you, "Please stop! I'm happy already, I'm happy!"

Make sure you test them, though. Make them do the song. It may seem a little extreem, but you don't want to have wasted your time and energy on someone who pretended to know that they were happy just so that they could be left alone. This is no time for hiding, you guys. These are bold times for bold people, and if you are not a bold person, you'd better man up or you might find yourself on the business end of a happiness check.